Moses
Careers.
These are tricky things, these choices.
For some of us, they are "downright" scary.
I'm not a terribly confident man, neither in my abilities nor my identity. The last year has done much to affirm and confirm that which always existed but I could not recognize, but there is much to be learned. Some would call this a strength, that I am teachable, always desiring to grow and learn from others' advice and actions - that I'm not content with being where I am, ever... Others, on the flip side, do not see my pursuit of "wholeness" as the main source of value; rather, they simply value wholeness for what it is. In that sense, I imagine I have little value in their eyes.
This would be a much easier statement to make if "they" were others and not myself, too. I tend to value the product rather more than the process, which, as all mature people tell me, is a bit backwards. This makes sense and lines up with Robert Kegan's (and Brian McLaren's, as I understand it) view of personal development in his book The Evolving Self. Kegan states that we are human beings and emphasizes "being" as a verb. In a sense, we are humans as we "be" and "become" human. We are always in a process of being, and growth never stops. Products, then, in the perspective of human development, are temporal and passing - less substantive, even, than processes. In addition, people are better defined as processes than products. We are always becoming, being, shifting - rarely ever is, am, or are.
In light of this reality, my self-evaluations based on the "am's," "is's," and "are's," are structurally inaccurate - answers stemming from the wrong questions: "Where am I?" "What do I stand for?" "What do I believe?" "What do I value?" and so on. Perhaps I should be asking, "Where am I going?" "What am I standing for?" "What am I believing?" "What am I valuing?" etc. These questions more accurately acknowledge the process rather than the product, and so line up more closely with the reality that is my experience.
I also believe that this is not only my experience, but God's view of me. I don't think I've ever read a biblical story where God or Jesus ask a person to be something concrete. This, perhaps, is one of the least understood truths in today's church. God asks Adam and Eve to not eat from a tree; he does not ask them to model spiritual perfection. God asks Abraham, the father of our faith, to leave his family and follow him; he does not ask him to change and be holy and then follow. God calls David a man after his own heart: he does not change his mind once he commits adultery. Jesus calls the disciples to "come and see" while following him; he never requires them to believe he is the Christ. God calls Paul and tells him go to the city; he tells Ananias that he "will show him how much he must suffer for the sake of [his] name" (ESV), but he does not tell him to be an genius apostle and model perfection.
This is not to say that God did not require things and "behaviors" from people, but he did it in the context of their ongoing relationship with him - in the midst of a process. Adam and Eve made the wrong choice and God provided a means for further relationship and growth: process. Abraham lied to kings about his wife, and God continued to bless him. David sinned against Bathsheba and Uriah, and God tells him how he will be punished and restored: process. Jesus' disciples spend three years with him and do not fully understand who he is and follow him until he is gone (I know, debatable about Peter's confession...) and God sends his Holy Spirit on them: process. God says Paul "will suffer," but God promises that he will show Paul the suffering instead of telling him to "be a sufferer."
For me, the only part of my life that is a product is what God has made me to be. Even then, God only relates to me as a "product" in how he positionally sees me, not in how he relates to me. I suppose the practical application of this is (sheesh, I feel like I need 3 alliterated bullet points now..."Pastor" Ken) how I see myself as I live in front of God. Today I saw a guy I know act rudely towards an incompetent staff person and I immediately judged him to be a jerk and a hypocrite as a Christian. About five minutes later, though, as he was explaining himself to me and why he had no patience for lying salespeople, I thought, "At least he's genuine when he's rude. Even if he is a screwed up human being, at least he's not posturing or feigning holiness and goodness (like I so often do)." What was frustrating to me turned into a refreshing time of insight and conviction as I longed to be as genuine- even in my sin. What might be a random story I think details how seeing ourselves as processes, humans who are being, can set us free from being tied to a mentality that tells us to be (statically, not dynamically) someone, instead of become someone. My friend, while not displaying total Christlike behavior, is not a slave in his mind to the fact that he did not model who he "ought to have been." Instead, I believe he sees his actions as a stream of being where the Lord will continue to interact with him and perfect him in His time.
I long to live like all these men and women did and do. They understood, and understand, God's "expectations," that they must live with him and in him, not be him. God is he who makes us like Him - our job is to respond and love, fail and submit, live and become. Our confidence, since there isn't much of a product, must be in the process. Still, I'm becoming aware that my processes are mostly orchestrated by God, so, ideally, confidence resides in the Great Processor (GOD, not AMD...*ugh* lame)
Well, what does this have to do with careers?
I began this post out of a fear I felt while being presented with an opportunity to be (statically or dynamically?) a youth pastor in LaCenter, WA. I have been planning pretty firmly on pursuing a Master of Arts in Education while procuring a Secondary Teaching certificate with an emphasis on English and Literature. Then, out of the blue, my supervisor at the TimeZone youth center, Bill Trenckmann - a youth pastor himself, calls and tells me his friend who pastors a church in WA is going to be looking for a youth pastor. The opportunity, according to Bill, is ideal, and he recommends that I look into it if I'm interested. Immediately, my walls go up and I dismiss the idea out of disgust. I want to be a youth pastor like I want to sit on sharp sticks or punch myself in the crotch. No way. Still, after I hang up the phone and tell Bill I'll think about it, I can't stop daydreaming about the potential of the position: rural town, smaller church, a staff that has a heart for unity and true community, and a pastor that is focused on equipping and harmony rather than expectations and performance. I (well, my heart, really) can't stop thinking about this and getting excited about it - even as I get into bed. The next day, my heart still wants this, or at least the ideal of it.
A week later I talk to the pastor on the phone and once hanging up, get the feeling that I just talked to the genuine article - you know, the guy who is a pastor because he loves people and has vision for them vs. the guy who pastors because he loves progress and has a vision for results. I heard humility on the phone, as he expressed his willingness and desire to step down soon as churches don't grow (maturity-wise, not just number-wise) with pastors over 60. I heard his expectations, and they were only about the good of his people and their maturity and harmony. I heard his tough love for his people and how they needed to be without a youth pastor for a few months to find their own identity. I also heard myself screaming with fear as I tried to be honest with him while trying to make sure he knew I was incompetent.
I went home from that conversation full of fear and hoping that God would not ask me to be this youth pastor, because I did not have the character, wisdom, or fruits of the Spirit that it required. I told him, as I walked down the stairs to my bedroom, that he needed to change me before I would go to this job.
Right about then, I stopped walking and remembered Moses when God was in the "burning" bush. I remembered how God has always been asking us to follow him and do what he says while we are still incompetent. I remembered that God never makes us competent before he asks us to follow him. I remembered that I would only become as I followed.
My heart was set on being, in the static sense, ready to do the career I set out to do - be that a youth pastor or high school English teacher. God's heart, however, was set on me simply being as he asked me to follow him.
I think I'm ready to follow him even though I'm not ready. I think I'm finally ready to start being.
These are tricky things, these choices.
For some of us, they are "downright" scary.
I'm not a terribly confident man, neither in my abilities nor my identity. The last year has done much to affirm and confirm that which always existed but I could not recognize, but there is much to be learned. Some would call this a strength, that I am teachable, always desiring to grow and learn from others' advice and actions - that I'm not content with being where I am, ever... Others, on the flip side, do not see my pursuit of "wholeness" as the main source of value; rather, they simply value wholeness for what it is. In that sense, I imagine I have little value in their eyes.
This would be a much easier statement to make if "they" were others and not myself, too. I tend to value the product rather more than the process, which, as all mature people tell me, is a bit backwards. This makes sense and lines up with Robert Kegan's (and Brian McLaren's, as I understand it) view of personal development in his book The Evolving Self. Kegan states that we are human beings and emphasizes "being" as a verb. In a sense, we are humans as we "be" and "become" human. We are always in a process of being, and growth never stops. Products, then, in the perspective of human development, are temporal and passing - less substantive, even, than processes. In addition, people are better defined as processes than products. We are always becoming, being, shifting - rarely ever is, am, or are.
In light of this reality, my self-evaluations based on the "am's," "is's," and "are's," are structurally inaccurate - answers stemming from the wrong questions: "Where am I?" "What do I stand for?" "What do I believe?" "What do I value?" and so on. Perhaps I should be asking, "Where am I going?" "What am I standing for?" "What am I believing?" "What am I valuing?" etc. These questions more accurately acknowledge the process rather than the product, and so line up more closely with the reality that is my experience.
I also believe that this is not only my experience, but God's view of me. I don't think I've ever read a biblical story where God or Jesus ask a person to be something concrete. This, perhaps, is one of the least understood truths in today's church. God asks Adam and Eve to not eat from a tree; he does not ask them to model spiritual perfection. God asks Abraham, the father of our faith, to leave his family and follow him; he does not ask him to change and be holy and then follow. God calls David a man after his own heart: he does not change his mind once he commits adultery. Jesus calls the disciples to "come and see" while following him; he never requires them to believe he is the Christ. God calls Paul and tells him go to the city; he tells Ananias that he "will show him how much he must suffer for the sake of [his] name" (ESV), but he does not tell him to be an genius apostle and model perfection.
This is not to say that God did not require things and "behaviors" from people, but he did it in the context of their ongoing relationship with him - in the midst of a process. Adam and Eve made the wrong choice and God provided a means for further relationship and growth: process. Abraham lied to kings about his wife, and God continued to bless him. David sinned against Bathsheba and Uriah, and God tells him how he will be punished and restored: process. Jesus' disciples spend three years with him and do not fully understand who he is and follow him until he is gone (I know, debatable about Peter's confession...) and God sends his Holy Spirit on them: process. God says Paul "will suffer," but God promises that he will show Paul the suffering instead of telling him to "be a sufferer."
For me, the only part of my life that is a product is what God has made me to be. Even then, God only relates to me as a "product" in how he positionally sees me, not in how he relates to me. I suppose the practical application of this is (sheesh, I feel like I need 3 alliterated bullet points now..."Pastor" Ken) how I see myself as I live in front of God. Today I saw a guy I know act rudely towards an incompetent staff person and I immediately judged him to be a jerk and a hypocrite as a Christian. About five minutes later, though, as he was explaining himself to me and why he had no patience for lying salespeople, I thought, "At least he's genuine when he's rude. Even if he is a screwed up human being, at least he's not posturing or feigning holiness and goodness (like I so often do)." What was frustrating to me turned into a refreshing time of insight and conviction as I longed to be as genuine- even in my sin. What might be a random story I think details how seeing ourselves as processes, humans who are being, can set us free from being tied to a mentality that tells us to be (statically, not dynamically) someone, instead of become someone. My friend, while not displaying total Christlike behavior, is not a slave in his mind to the fact that he did not model who he "ought to have been." Instead, I believe he sees his actions as a stream of being where the Lord will continue to interact with him and perfect him in His time.
I long to live like all these men and women did and do. They understood, and understand, God's "expectations," that they must live with him and in him, not be him. God is he who makes us like Him - our job is to respond and love, fail and submit, live and become. Our confidence, since there isn't much of a product, must be in the process. Still, I'm becoming aware that my processes are mostly orchestrated by God, so, ideally, confidence resides in the Great Processor (GOD, not AMD...*ugh* lame)
Well, what does this have to do with careers?
I began this post out of a fear I felt while being presented with an opportunity to be (statically or dynamically?) a youth pastor in LaCenter, WA. I have been planning pretty firmly on pursuing a Master of Arts in Education while procuring a Secondary Teaching certificate with an emphasis on English and Literature. Then, out of the blue, my supervisor at the TimeZone youth center, Bill Trenckmann - a youth pastor himself, calls and tells me his friend who pastors a church in WA is going to be looking for a youth pastor. The opportunity, according to Bill, is ideal, and he recommends that I look into it if I'm interested. Immediately, my walls go up and I dismiss the idea out of disgust. I want to be a youth pastor like I want to sit on sharp sticks or punch myself in the crotch. No way. Still, after I hang up the phone and tell Bill I'll think about it, I can't stop daydreaming about the potential of the position: rural town, smaller church, a staff that has a heart for unity and true community, and a pastor that is focused on equipping and harmony rather than expectations and performance. I (well, my heart, really) can't stop thinking about this and getting excited about it - even as I get into bed. The next day, my heart still wants this, or at least the ideal of it.
A week later I talk to the pastor on the phone and once hanging up, get the feeling that I just talked to the genuine article - you know, the guy who is a pastor because he loves people and has vision for them vs. the guy who pastors because he loves progress and has a vision for results. I heard humility on the phone, as he expressed his willingness and desire to step down soon as churches don't grow (maturity-wise, not just number-wise) with pastors over 60. I heard his expectations, and they were only about the good of his people and their maturity and harmony. I heard his tough love for his people and how they needed to be without a youth pastor for a few months to find their own identity. I also heard myself screaming with fear as I tried to be honest with him while trying to make sure he knew I was incompetent.
I went home from that conversation full of fear and hoping that God would not ask me to be this youth pastor, because I did not have the character, wisdom, or fruits of the Spirit that it required. I told him, as I walked down the stairs to my bedroom, that he needed to change me before I would go to this job.
Right about then, I stopped walking and remembered Moses when God was in the "burning" bush. I remembered how God has always been asking us to follow him and do what he says while we are still incompetent. I remembered that God never makes us competent before he asks us to follow him. I remembered that I would only become as I followed.
My heart was set on being, in the static sense, ready to do the career I set out to do - be that a youth pastor or high school English teacher. God's heart, however, was set on me simply being as he asked me to follow him.
I think I'm ready to follow him even though I'm not ready. I think I'm finally ready to start being.
posted by Ken at
5/17/2005 11:40:00 AM
12 Comments:
I like you being who you are being.
Sounds pretty healthy to me. Sounds like the kind of person I'd want influencing my teenager. I once heard a preacher say, "God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called." Don't be afraid!
I like what bill bean said about you being a being that would be having an influence on his younger beings.
I also am influenced by your being, and I ran out of teenage beingness a few years ago.
The diff between you and I, besides a few thou miles, is a few thou similarities.
PS... Shep Chron has the facelift you were hoping
Hey there Friend. I got your email about your blog and I was a bit surprised because it has been so long since ive talked with you. Its neat to see that you are running hard after the Lord. Drop me an email or hop on my blog. Id love to hear more about your life!! Take Care!
Hey Ken. Don't have time to read right now, but I wanted to say a long overdo hello. Will catch up later. Peace.
I used to go to church out in LaCenter. The people out there are completely beautiful. LaCenter is probably why I am currently in love with Scappoose. Gotta love small towns. Which church is it? I'd probably know it.
PS. I'm selfish. I would love it if you came back here... Officially, LaCenter is right across the river from Scappoose. Although, there's no bridge, so it actually takes a long time to drive. But if you lived there, I might have to start on that bridge thing...
PPS. I tend to judge myself for being a process and not a product and then I realize how much I respect other people that are in the process of growing. I really respect the teachable and the growing. It's beautiful. That trait can make me so critical of myself, yet I find it to be a good quality in others. Usually, that's a bit unfair. It's likely that it's a good quaility in all of us. I don't know if that helped or made sense or just sounded like a pat answer or just repeated what you said, but there you go. See ya, old friend.
I sit in awe... so many things running through my head to long to really convey what im thinking. The part about what we're called to be and what we think we're supposed to be is so true.. im in class and im speechless right now.. actually.. i'll jus email u... lol
You've got a lot of nerve comparing yourself to Moses, bro. Hello...ever heard the term, "Let my people go"? He basically invented that.
Or, wait...maybe it's really not all about Moses at all! In the same way as is not all about YOU! All of the really lasting stuff that Moses did, Moses didn't really do at all!
I think that means that all of the really cool things that we accomplish in life are either 1) not as cool as we thought or 2) we didn't really have all that much to do with making it happen.
Is that depressing? Not sure yet...O yeah...it's not about ME
Hm, I think I'd side more with the second point, that we don't have as much to do with the cool things as we thought. It would be ridiculous to say that my nephew being born and growing up is not "cool," or that every time God saves someone it isn't "cool." Still, I don't know if I understand the second point. If we don't have that much to do with making cool stuff happen, why is God so insistent in using us as his hands and feet? Why does he rebuke Israel so harshly for not doing "cool" things? I know that we are not the ones that do the cool stuff, but the cool stuff to God is when we yield ourselves to him and allow him to be cool. That's what we "do." At least, that's a major part of my point I was trying to communicate in my story. I don't think I can share personal stories about me and not have them be about...me. I don't know. Maybe I'll change that opinion later. Still, I don't think I highlighted any part of my "coolness" in my blog, did I? If I did, let me know, because I didn't mean to...
lol,
i still think that chic at schucks was a liar...
You knew it was you??? Sorry bud, tried to hide your ID, but I hope you know it caused me to love you more and evaluate myself and how I live. Ever since reading Ken Lloyd's book about the bridge, I've been much more willing to see your heart before your flesh. I wouldn't even be blogging or asking these questions if it weren't for you.
Ken, I know that it's been a year since you wrote this in your blog, but as I read it I realized the extent of solid truth that you wrote about here. Reminds me of that conversation I had with Johnny after coming back from Slovenia. He said that sometimes it's the process where God wants us to be. You know what? I thinks that gives us freedom to live without the expectation of what we are going to be to be in full today. We are much more free to experience what God has and learn from the details, becoming more like him in the process. That is probably why it is so important, even more so than the end result. Keep the truth of what you wrote in your heart and mind as you serve the Lord in Croatia this summer.
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